Visiting the UK: How to Fit In

If you’re not from the UK then it’s going to be pretty tricky for you to fit in and understand everything there – even if you’re a native English speaker. (In fact, being a native English speaker can easily be a drawback).

My problem in writing this is whether to call the UK ‘there’, in which case you’ll think that I’m foreign and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, or ‘here’ which will give you the impression that I live there, which I don’t. Ah well, we’ll see how it goes. (I’m from the UK but living in the USA so I’m both, confusingly.)

So here’s a fairly random collection of things to consider:

• We tend not to have stereotypes about other nationalities. Deep down, we don’t think that all Italians are emotional and chic and that all Americans are fat and loud. We know better. So please don’t have stereotypes regarding British people. We love you to be open-minded
• Some visitors are surprised to find that we are friendlier than they’ve been led to believe. This is because of our inherent belief in politeness. We smile at people, we open doors for them, we give up our seats on the bus for old ladies … by and large, we are fairly considerate
• So much so in fact, that if we were walking down the street and bumped into a lamppost the chances are we’d say ‘sorry’ to it. We say ‘sorry’ a lot.  But we do get pissed off when people say ‘I’m sorry that you feel that way’. What a cop out
• Talking about being pissed off, it’s a good idea to familiarise yourself with some English expressions and words before you travel there, even if you’re an English speaker. Here in the US for example, if I’m pissed, it means I’m pissed off. If I’m pissed in England, it means I’m drunk
• Now that you understand ‘pissed’, would you understand what state people were in if they say that they’re knackered or gutted or randy? (Tired, upset and horny respectively)
• It can be tricky. If something is bollocks, it’s rubbish. If it’s the dog’s bollocks it’s wonderful. So if you speak another language (or American, which many people in Britain class as another language) it best to avoid slang altogether
• If you’re American, on the subject of randy, please be aware that some American names mean things in English. As we now know, randy which is used as a name in the US, means horny. Trump means fart. Spunky mean semen-y, and Fanny is a vagina. So saying ‘You know Randy Trump? He’s really spunky’ isn’t going to work

Now for some contradictions:

• We really like people to be quiet. We don’t like loud and boisterous people. (This is why our trains have quiet coaches). This being said, we can be particularly loud and boisterous ourselves at hen or stag parties, football matches, road rage attacks and so on
• We’re not in the least bit prim and proper. Most of us enjoy drinking a lot more than, for example, Americans, we tend to have more people who smoke and we positively delight in swearing. Certain four-letter words are used not really as curses but more as conversational punctuation
• Most of us hate to dance, sing or otherwise perform in public unless a certain amount of alcohol has been consumed – or unless we’re being paid to do it
• We don’t really talk about the weather. Well, we do but we don’t mean it. It’s just that the weather is an introductory topic of conversation; it means that we don’t have to think about anything else
• Despite our friendliness, studies show that British people regard a distance of 16″ all around them to be their personal space. Try not to invade that space. Yet other countries differ. Americans need more and Italians a lot less, says Google

The UK is very multicultural. We come from lots of different places and our customs (and even our language) can vary depending on where you are. They say that in England if you travel 25 miles you’ll talk to people with completely different accents. (I’d say about ten miles if you’re in Yorkshire!) Encounter a Scottish, Welsh or Irish accent and you’ll be even more lost. Try to understand Geordies and you’re on your own. (In fact, if English movies featuring Geordie accents are shown in the US, they have subtitles).

The important thing to remember is that so much about the UK online is nonsense. (Apart from this, of course). We don’t eat roast beef and Yorkshire pudding followed by spotted dick. In the north, we don’t wear flat caps, whippets and our coal in the bath.

And we speak proper English. 🙂